HAIIII. So I’m alive…for now…but I give myself 6 months and 3 days before the pollution kills me.

I live in Taipei now. Yes, it’s true. I just joined the Taiwan network on Facebook. Weird, right? Since I am everything that Asians are not, the first thing I did to fit in was bedazzle my cell phone, rhinestones complete with a Hello Kitty charm. Now I just need a Louis. And an Asian bf to carry my teacup dog around. This is my story, week 1 of my transformation into a Taiwanese…

The first couple days were with out doubt the most difficult of my life, like more difficult than choosing between sweet or salty popcorn at the movies. One afternoon, Jill and I found ourselves running around for an hour, unshowered, SWEATING (it’s hot here, and by hot I mean today it was 34 degrees and it finally feels like it’s cooled down, I sweat in front my my A/C, for serious), hungry, trying to find an Internet café. Believe it or not, in a country as technologically advanced as Taiwan, they are few and far between. And if you do find one, you’re expected to join the World of Warcraft race for life. I guess I suck at charades, because my impression of a person typing on a keyboard and the word INTERNET spoken loudly did not find me an Internet café. I can’t draw and I can’t act, I’m screwed. Learning Chinese is, obviously, my easiest path to functioning normally in my new Asian life. So far I can only order a beer, ‘yi pijiu’. Now I’m learning to say ‘I DON’T EAT PIG HEART’. Anyway, SO HARD. I had major money problems, no phone, no net, I couldn’t order food, no one spoke English, I was lost, I was heartsick, it was hot, it was hot, it was really really hot. Nightmare! Then I went to my apartment (loft, I like to call it now)..

Okay. So most of you have spent time in my old room I’m sure, after a break up, after a make out, after a party, it’s all the same. Well, my apartment is the size of my old room, really. Jill walked in, and walked out into a hotel (this is also because Liam Oscar the Roach said hi). True story. Small loft, albeit, really really cute. Maybe sometime you’ll break up with your lovers and visit me, we can make out and then after party on my patio slash magical rooftop garden 17 floors up with a view of Taipei that will send your breath flying into the mountains staring back at you. Really makes up for the shoe box apartment. But, you know how when you buy a really expensive pair of shoes, like a shiny gold pair of BCBG heels, or something, the box is just as cute? Well let’s pretend I live in a shiny gold BCBG shoe box. Pam and I will call it home and love it. I haven’t seen Liam Oscar since moving in; I think Jill swallowed him in her sleep. Also, my bathroom has a steam room. Yuppers.

Are you bored yet? I’m writing from my new hang out, KGB Burger (Kiwi Gourmet Burger). One lane from my house (streets here are so long, that they are broken up into sections, then each section has so many lanes, this is Shida Road, Section 2, Lane 114, #5…took me being late/lost for two interviews to nail this one), it’s run by two great guys from New Zealand. They let me sit on their patio, smoke, drink, blog, people watch foreigners, and sweat all over their couches. AAAAND, KGB is home to the best goddamn veggie burg EVERRRR, lentil & walnut, YUM. Okay don’t get bored, I have more to tell you, to be expected from a lonely wai guo ren in Taiwan. Let me tell you about the food.

Food is half the reason I came here. Well, not really, but I love Chinese food, kinda like I love Pho, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to move to Vietnam for Pho just yet. Next year, maybe. But I have a love hate relationship with food here (like most things in my life). Food is such a trip. If you don’t read Chinese and you’re not adventurous, you pretty much need McDonalds to live. And even then, you get your chicken burger on a sticky rice bun with a side of mushy corn soup. On the plus side, they deliver. No beef after 2am though. Gay. Not gonna lie, definitely lived off McDonalds french fries and sundae’s a few nights. And I think they put squid spew in their Mac sauce. Anyway, I live in Shida night market, I can eat two meals on two bucks. Here is the deal tho, you point to what you want to eat (again, unless you read Chinese). I play this game, it’s called ‘Name That Meat’. You get three guesses, after the third guess you bite, if you got it right, you swallow and fill up, otherwise you spit and starve. Tonight, my ‘tofu’ was picked off the same tray as fried chicken feet, which was next to the marinated large intestine. Yup. Dinner. The Chinese say, ‘If it flies in the air, walks on the land, or swims in water, we can eat it!’ Six dumplings for a dollar, you push your nose up with your finger and snort to suggest you want pork. Sometimes I go a whole day eating only at 7 -11, there are three on every corner, next to the three Starbucks. Boiled eggs marinated in tea are dirt cheap at 7-11. You get used to the smell, promise. You can pretty much do anything at 7-11, eat, pay bills, teach English…

I don’t have much to say about nightlife because I’m broke and have been out once, but I went to an electro party and there was a whole six people there. 5 of them from Ottawa. Sweet. But I did find some kids who love to after party, I’ll fit right in (mom and dad, you might be learning too much about me on here…). Carrie and John took me out for Japanese BBQ and belly dancing. BEST. MEAL. EVER. Thank you. Megan and J.R. introduced me to the…what’s the word….LAME house scene here (Asian’s rave to trance, kill me now), Mike I haven’t seen much of but he’s my work coach. Brodie and Megan have been ever so helpful, they even took me to an R T Mart to shop for toilet paper and skinned frogs. Brodie and his friend Cory met me in park with beers, we had a nice little Orleans hang right here in a Taipei park, did I mentioned Heinekin’s are like a buck and you can walk around drinking mid day in the middle of the street? …not that I would ever stand in the middle of the street here, you’d get smoked by a scooter/bus/taxi/car/crazy Asian three steps out! Everyone’s been the more than helpful, thanks for all the connections, guys. BUT WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THE GODDAMN COCKROACHES? And the geckos? Flying spiders? Sometimes I do a little dance when walking down the street. Really, I’m dodging cockroaches.

TEACHA, TEACHA, is what the kids call me. Teaching is, amazing. In saying that, I don’t have a job yet, but that might change by next post. I’ve been subbing and tutoring, and I love it. Coming here was not to fulfill my lifelong dream of teaching kids, but it has quickly become something that keeps me up at night but also gets me up in the morning. Kids posses the youthful, carefree, and simple minds that we long for and will never have. It’s wonderful and refreshing to be surrounded by them, and like Liam said, they are cute as kittens (why do people refer to things as being cute as buttons anyway? I don’t think buttons are cute, do you?).

My battery is dying, my beer is warm, and I have to pee. Wish me luck on my teaching demo tomorrow. I miss you guys, those of you that have been in touch and were nice. I miss you and love you Liam.

Call me?

CELL PHONE
011 886 9310 58705

LANDLINE
011 886 2 2369 2030